My Physiological Profile/Obituary – as written by the advertising spyware on my computer

Posted on August 25, 2010

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User ID # 4568790789564056 was assimilated into our database on January 23, 2010. Based on browsing history regarding birth control, weight gain, and kittens, this user was female.

 Her search engine history regarding starting a 401K, fixing leaky faucets, and the best deals on gardening supplies suggests this user was a financially responsible, middle-class homeowner in her late 20’s to early 30’s. However, frequent visits to websites such as “Hyperbole and a Half,” “The Onion,” and “Fail-blog” suggest this hard-won adulthood was an uncomfortable reality that this user had not fully accepted.  

 Furthermore, visits to websites for thrash-metal and industrial-deathpunk bands demonstrated an apparent incongruity with frequent shopping at sites such as Eddie Bauer and J Crew. Additionally, frequent purchases of science fiction and vampire-related media from Amazon.com pointed to a dangerous level of escapism and inability to deal with life.

 This user was obviously an animal lover, as she spent an inordinate amount of time browsing sites such as “LOL Cats” and had a propensity for clicking on any advertisement to help abused animals. Further browsing history suggests this user had an interest in taking her cat on bicycle rides through the park.

 User ID # 4568790789564056 was a difficult person to advertise to, as her interests seemed to change on a daily basis. Her apparent lack of conformity to any given social standard often resulted in very odd and unusual advertising results. Like the time we decided she needed to know about the best prices on bulk diapers, even though she didn’t have a child and was not old enough to need diapers herself.

 Unfortunately, all records of this user ceased on August 23, 2010. It is our conclusion that she either reset her internet cookies, or, more likely, ended her cruel and meaningless existence after finally succumbing to one illogical inconsistency too many.

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