My house is a portal to hell.

Posted on October 5, 2010

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*Note: This makes two posts with the word “Hell” in the title. I just realized this after publishing. I am more convinced than ever that I need a vacation.

Sorry guys. I guess I’m not a big enough narcissist to write about myself on a regular basis if the only thing I’ve got to write is whiny complaining about my sorry state of affairs. So I’m going to put all that whingeing into one little diatribe and be done with it. And if I can entertain you along the way, all the better. If you don’t like whining, I recommend you skip this one.

So here’s the deal. My recent lack of writing has less to do with me as a person and more to do with the fact that my house is a living portal to the sucking emptiness of hell. And no. I’m not talking about poltergeist. I’m talking about painting. Painting the outside of my house.

What was supposed to be a week-long project has spiraled into a 1.5 month project. It’s like f**king Groundhog’s Day. I’ve spent every weekend for the past five weeks in dirty clothes covered in various chemicals (primer, paint, paint remover, lead dust…) and contorted into unpleasant positions. The up side though is that no one looks at you funny when you start in on the Pabst Blue Ribbon at 10am because when you’re painting the south side of a white house the blinding light quickly turns into an industrial-sized microwave and I swear to god, Pabst is the only thing that helps.

The downside though, is that I’ve had less time to fully utilize the recuperative powers of the weekend to fuel my creative pursuits. Because by the end of a day in the sun painting and drinking beers I’m really in no condition to sit in a chair without falling out, let alone type a coherent story.

I’ll be back though. I promise. I just need some down time to recuperate and re-stock the old creative juices, because at the moment the most creative thing I’m capable of doing is picking out paint colors. And quite frankly, that’s the one place where “creative” might not do me any good.

I’ve got a few ideas in the works for new posts involving alien abductions and sharks. So if you’re patient you’ll be rewarded. So I’ll see you in a couple weeks…unless I get involuntarily committed by my neighbors who don’t think I should be up on the roof clucking like a chicken and pouring paint on myself.

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