Christmas Candy and other Nefarious Affairs

Holy Crap. So first of all, it’s been like 47 years since I posted anything, and for that I appoligize. For those few loyal readers left who still had faith in me, thank you. You’re in for a treat. Not really. I mean, this post isn’t a treat really so much as it’s about treats. Or more accurately, about eating too many of them.

So yeah. Here’s the deal. I’m hopped up on a lot of sugar. I mean A LOT of sugar. Like, 2/3 of my sugar consumption for the year happens in the three days leading up to Christmas. And the reason is almost entirely work-related. You see, in the three days leading up to Christmas, there is often a tragic and unavoidable convergence of events that almost always leads up to the exact same result. Namely, me feeling like crap and wishing I could travel back in time. Here’s how it happens:

Step 1: Everyone decides that since it’s the holidays, all things work-related lose any import and we all just wonder around the office aimlessly until we’re let out to enjoy our day(s) off.

Step 2: A few dangerous people in the office decide that they should make treats and bring them in to share with everyone.

Step 3: Bored people + endless food = bad.

Step 4: I eat so much sugar that I begin to feel sick and parts of my mouth are developing open wounds.

Step 5: I decide that the best way to counter this effect is to eat something salty. Fortunately for me, the junk food is boundless and LOOK! Someone brought in a bag of potato chips.

Step 6: Eat potato chips and realize this may have made the situation even worse.

Step 7: Decide that the only advisable thing to do at this point is ride it out. While blogging. Because, you know…that makes sense.

Step 8: Attempt to type something legible or sensical amidst a crashing rush of sugar-induced giddiness, light headedness and nausea.

Step 9: Finish blog. Pray for 5 o’clock. Pray hard. (also, this part hasn’t happened yet, so it’s kind of like I’m traveling into the future…)

Step 10: Thank god I made it till 5 without taking off like a crazy rocket ship straight through the fiber-glass and flourescent ceiling.

Step 11: Go home. Regret writing blog while rolling on sugar, but be perhaps a little glad that I did because now I’ll have a written record of it, which may discourage me from doing this again.

Step 12: Sleep it off.

Step 13: Get up, go to work, and do it all again. Realize I have no self control.

Crap. I’m sorry I wrote this. I already know I’ll regret it (see above) but I have no self control (also, see above.) Fortuately I had the good sense to run a spell check.

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