How to Procure an Accidental Hangover

Posted on March 2, 2011

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Sometimes having to endure an 8-hour day at your job just isn’t quite HARD enough. Sometimes it feels like you aren’t really being CHALLENGED. What I’ve found really helps with this dilemma is to come to work hung over. This really ups the ante, so to speak, and makes you feel like a real winner just for getting through the day. You should get a medal or a yellow jersey or something.  But you also need to be careful about how you procure this hangover, as premeditated drunkeness on a work-night may be looked down upon by some fellow-coworkers and supervisors (especially those who are much older or more conservative than you).

I’ve discovered the perfect solution for this little obstacle. This way you can be happily miserable all day long, and earn your bragging rights secure in the knowledge that no one will judge you for being a lush.

Here’s how to get accidentally hungover for work in …. many steps.

1. Agree, reluctantly, to meet your friends after work for happy hour, knowing that you’ve got a ton of stuff to do, no money, and work the next day.

2. Order a cocktail, but do so with the conviction that it will be your only one.

3. Drink the cocktail.

4. Feel the relaxing effects of the alcohol wear away the cares of the day, as you bask in the warm glow of your friends’ companionship.

5. Decide that another cocktail wouldn’t hurt because the cats won’t starve and it’s only 6pm and you have plenty of time to get home and do all the important home-stuff you had promised yourself you’d finally get around to doing tonight (like putting away the laundry and stacks of magazines that have accumulated on your dining table).

6. Begin to drink your second cocktail.

7. Begin to feel a slight buzz, which you write off to having an empty stomach.

8. Suggest that the group heads next door for a quick bite to eat.

9. Finish your second cocktail while waiting for everyone to make up their minds.

10. Head next door with everyone for a quick bite to eat.

11. Figure that if you’re going to eat, you might as well eat an actual dinner. Order something big and greasy.

12. Figure that since you’ll be eating something big and greasy, and since you’re feeling so good, you could probably handle another beer. Order a bucket of beers to split with your friends while waiting for food.

14. Realize you are drunk, but don’t worry about it yet because the food will fix that.

15. Ask the waitress for a big glass of water, which she brings, along with your big greasy dinner.

16. Eat your dinner, drink your water. Convince yourself that this is sufficient to prevent a hangover tomorrow.

17. Realize you drove to the bar on your way home from work, and you live in a town with virtually no public transportation.

18. Wonder how you’re getting home.

19. Accept a friend’s offer to drive you. Act grateful, but worry about what will happen to your car.

20. Arrive at your house. Decide that since your friend is already here, and their company is so enjoyable, and because it’s only 8pm, you might as well invite your friend to stay for a beer.

21. Realize you don’t have any beer, but you do have a bottle of wine.

22. Open the bottle of wine.

22. Realize that this isn’t the kind of wine that keeps well, so you probably ought to finish it.

23. Finish the wine.

24. Say goodbye to your friend.

25. Realize it’s only 10pm. Be proud of yourself for managing to get to bed at a decent hour.

26. Realize you’ve accidentally spent the last 5 hours drinking, despite it only being 10 pm.

27. Attempt to consume massive amounts of water in an attempt to thwart a hangover.

28. Curse your bladder for being too small.

29. Take two Excedrine, go to bed, hope for the best.

30. Wake up feeling like crap. Feel tempted to say “fuck it,” hit snooze 5 times, and be late for work.

31. Remember that you left your car at the bar.

32. Debate calling in sick to work. Convince yourself that they will see through your claims of stomach flu. Decide you’d better attempt to show up.

33. Through a series of other events, manage to get yourself to your car.

34. Drive to work.

35. Arrive hungover and dreading your day.

And ………. voila! You’ve accomplished your goal of coming to work accidentally hungover. See how easy that was?

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