Two very important things have recently come to my attention:
The first is that, for a blogger I am radically behind the times, and will be writing about something that was news back in January. This is in addition, of course, to the fact that I am severely behind on writing anything, at all. Of course, neither of these things actually just came to my attention. That was a teeny white lie. However, it’s convenient to pretend that they did, to save myself the embarrassment of not being cultishly addicted to my anonymous internet identity.
The second thing that has come to my attention is that women are, as a whole, not really very funny. I’m somewhat relieved to have this pointed out to me, not because it lowers the bar to an inch off the ground, but because I can finally drop this exhausting charade. I’m really an introvert, and being the wit at a party is f**ing exhausting, and I’m ready for a break. And now, no one can blame me for not trying. (For more information on this scientifically proven fact about women’s lack of humor, I will refer you to this article, written by Christopher Hitchens in Vanity Fair: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/01/hitchens200701?currentPage=1).
I’m pretty excited about this news, as it will finally free me up to pursue some other hobbies I’ve been meaning to try, like becoming a cat manicurist.
Let’s ignore, for the time being, the distinct possibility that Mr. Hitchens’s wrote this article simply because he was bored and unable to find any suitable distractions on the internet (like porn, or videos of men getting hit in the groin, or LOL Cats). Let’s also just assume for the sake of simplicity, that the single study he cites as evidence can be taken at face value, and that anything regarding the entirety of the human race can be proven by observing the behavior of 10 men and 10 women, and one journalist’s anectdotes about dating.
Let’s also take it on faith that Mr. Hitchens, a renowned journalist and rabble rouser, is also an authority on humor (which for the sake of my women readers who I now know are handicapped in this department, can be summed up as anything involving penises, sex, poop, pee, boogers, or vomit, in that order).
Actually, I’m pretty comfortable making these assumptions. After all, I’ve made much more important decisions based on much less. Like the time I had to decide whether to pee in the pool and hope no one would notice, or go through all the hassle of walking across a crowded public place with all my flab hanging out, wrestling with a wet swimsuit, and risking a humiliating slide off the toilet onto my bare ass in the lady’s room. That was a much harder decision, and all the evidence I had to go on at the time was the fact that pee is yellow and might show up in the water.
So, making this leap of faith, as I am suggesting we do, I am hugely relieved. No seriously. I mean it. It’s not like Mr. Hitchens is suggesting that women are not smart, or capable, or equal players in the game of life. He is merely positing that we aren’t FUNNY. Or more precisely, we just aren’t really good at making fart jokes, or talking about how gross our bodies are. Not to imply that our bodies aren’t just as gross as men’s bodies, but as South Park has already pointed out so elegantly, queefs are no laughing matter. And we won’t even get into the kinds of ridiculous situations that can arise as part of owning a woman’s body. The last time I tried to pass off a joke about tampons the only people who laughed were women, and they don’t know better.
But anyway, women aren’t funny. And I’m inclined to agree. As Mr. Hitchens points out, most women are too worried about having and raising babies, and this renders us more serious and preoccupied with issues of life and death than men. I’m honestly surprised that our gender can even remember to turn off the stove at night, with all the terribly important “preserving the species” that we accomplish every day.
Even those of us women who fail to preserve our own species usually have a cat or twelve to make up for it. We’re just hard-wired that way. And I’ll be the first to admit that cat ladies are even unfunnier than mothers. You think listening to a mother spout on about her adorable toddler is mind numbing, try hanging on for your life for five minutes while a single woman talks about how her Mr. Flubbermuffin did the cutest thing the other day. So, in summary: women make babies and have to keep them alive, and therefor we’re too IMPORTANT to be funny. (In my case, the main reason I neglect this blog and fail to be funny on a regular basis is because I’m too busy knitting sweaters for my cats).
In other words, women aren’t funny because we make babies. And we all know that parenthood and humor (let alone, parenthood and grotesque bodily functions) are complete anathema. Like oil and water. Well, when it comes to women anyway. It’s funny when a man throws up from a particularly nasty baby poop because that’s what humor is made of (penises, poop, and vomit). But unless a woman swoops in to the rescue, and takes the whole thing very seriously, well, we’d have nothing but diaper rash and dead babies on our hands.
And if you think live babies are unfunny, you should try dead babies. Have you ever, in all your life heard a dead baby joke? No? Because they just don’t exist. Dead babies are not funny, and no one ever made a lot of money turning them into trading cards. No one laughs at that, so don’t go there. OK?
But anyway, I’ve lost track. What was I saying?
Oh right: This has all come as a pretty big relief for me. Because this whole time I’ve been operating under the weight of misinformation. I think if it’s all the same with you guys, I’ll just give in to my desire to post nothing but pictures of my cats and write about how cute they are. Well, until I get around to having kids anyway.
aarongraham
March 30, 2011
Hey, I loved your blog and have decided to nominate you for the “Versatile Blogger Award” This was handed down to me, and I now leave it in your capable hands. If you chose to accept this honor, there are some obligations. Not many. Just 3. (Technically there are 23, but who’s counting)
Seriously though, I did enjoy your post. You can read about your blog here:
girl normal
March 31, 2011
Aaron,
I am truly honored. But it sounds like this award will require me to do work, mostly in the form of reading other people’s blogs. NEW BLOGS. I don’t deal well with change. So I’m going to have to do some deep soul searching and decide which urge is stronger – my ego or my laziness.
I’ll let you know when I figure it out. Although if the dates on my blog posts (and more importantly, the time between them) is any indication, you can get a pretty idea where to place your bets.
heatherlgraham
March 30, 2011
That was hilarious! Really, truly hilarious! 😀
D. A. Adams
March 30, 2011
Stephen King told a great dead baby joke…
If women aren’t funny, in general terms, but I laughed out loud at your humor in this piece, does that mean I don’t understand humor?
Hitchens is an idiot. Always has been.
Laura
March 31, 2011
I’d write a funny comment here, but apparently I can’t. Hey, have I ever told you how cute my cats are?
girl normal
March 31, 2011
Laura…I’m going to nominate you for the brand new (I just made this up) “Hitchens Unfunniest Female Blogger Award.” You earned every bit of it!
I guess I need to do up a little doohickey though, don’t I?
Laura
March 31, 2011
I’m honored. The doohickey isn’t going to be funny, is it? Because if it is, you’ll have to get a man to design it for you.
girl normal
March 31, 2011
I’m thinking it will vaguely resemble a vagina, aka Georgia O’Keefe, and have the words “NOT FUNNY” on it somewhere. What do you think?
Laura
March 31, 2011
I love it. As long as you mean it should resemble her paintings and not her actual vagina.
girl normal
April 1, 2011
HA!
Strawhat Nikos
March 31, 2011
hi, please tell me how did you input an image to header , i have the same theme in my blog but i can t change the arial black title to image, thank you, my email is : strawhat_nikos@hotmail.com
girl normal
March 31, 2011
Strawhat…actually, I’ve hat this question before. If you go to my “About” page there is a link near the bottom that will open up a PDF with instructions. Good luck!
Help Me Get Pregnant
April 5, 2011
There are three stages of pregnancy – the first, second and third quarters. Each of these steps may be very diverse from the physical and emotional mother. This article describes in detail the physical and emotional changes do you expect during your pregnancy.
girl normal
April 6, 2011
This comment actually came in via my spam filter. But it was too hilrious to delete, especially given the blog post to which it was robo-added.
D. A. Adams
April 6, 2011
Serendipity!
Laura
May 5, 2011
Well, no wonder the mother is emotional. Apparently she’s giving birth to 75% of a baby.
Fastest Way To Get Pregnant
April 29, 2011
For several people, it doesn’t matter what food to eat because they could eat anything. Unfortunately not all food are safe during pregnancy and having some basic understanding of what not to eat or do is equally important as understanding what to eat and what to do.
girl normal
May 5, 2011
This came through my spam filter. I thought it was hilarious, given the context/content of this post. Wee!
spreadingblessings
June 15, 2011
I disagree! Women are funny! Though I do have to agree men spend an inordinate amount of time on penis and poop jokes. There are other things in life to laugh about though! Almost everything actually. Here’s a piece of stand-up comedy I did a while ago that had nothing to do with poop or penises, or even raising children. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UM7mL8eQSA Hope you enjoy it!