The Mafia Come to my Home Town

Posted on April 12, 2011

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It is no secret to anyone who knows me (including my boss) that I’m looking for a new job. It’s nothing nefarious or gossip-worthy. I’ve simply outgrown my current position and want to put that hard-earned graduate degree to good use. But you don’t really care about that. Nor should you. What you should care about though, is what I’ve discovered on Craigslist as part of this job search.

Apparently the mafia is expanding into my hometown. And they are very clever. Check out this ad I came across under the “Business and Management” category (original ad language in blue):  

[Listing Title]: Looking for Recent College Graduates

[Ad Body]: Fortune 1000 Company is currently multiplying it’s customer service positions, and entry level management opportunities. Multiple offices currently hiring for Customer Care Representative, and Entry Level Management positions. The selected candidate will possess strong communication skills, and an outgoing personality. NOTE: You MUST have your degree program completed or in final 2 years to be considered for openings. Personal Interviews will be conducted this upcoming week and will revolve around education, job experience, and personal/family values.

• Progressive company with defined career descriptions with focus on personal development and professional growth. We are only Unionized Company in the United States that is results based and not Seniority Based. That means your age, or how long you have been with the company are second to your contributions to the success of the company. If you are a consistent over achiever that does not want to put in 10 years with a company before you move up this firm may offer a potential fit.

• You must possess a strong work ethic as the training program involves two (2) weeks of 50 hours. Integrity driven individuals, with a love for people, and a passion for growth are most likely going to be the best fit for current job openings. We would like to thank all who apply, but only qualified candidates will be selected for a first interview.

  • Location: [redacted by girlnormal to preserve a small iota of her anonymity]  
  • Compensation: $40-60k first year
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

“OK. So it’s a little vague,” you might be thinking to yourself. But is it really the mob? Absolutely. I have rewritten the ad in clearer language for those who need a little help (my revisions in red):

Looking for Recent College Grads

Basically, we want people who put themselves through school and really really need a job, like, yesterday. They obviously have a good work ethic, and with loans like that to repay, we can get into them real good.

Fortune 1000 Company is currently multiplying it’s customer service positions, and entry level management opportunities.

We DO actually make a lot of money, enough to compare us to any of the top 1000 highest-grossing companies in the country, but we won’t show up on any “list.” That’s why we can’t actually provide our company name, website, or any other information about who we are.

(Also of note, English isn’t our first language, which is why we couldn’t get through even the first sentence of this ad without multiple grammatical errors.)

Multiple offices currently hiring for Customer Care Representative, and Entry Level Management positions. The selected candidate will possess strong communication skills, and an outgoing personality.

“Entry-Level Management” means you’ll be doing our dirty work. And “Customer Care Representative” means you’ll be servicing our clients in…other ways. Ladies, that’s where the “outgoing personality” part comes in.

NOTE: You MUST have your degree program completed or in final 2 years to be considered for openings. Personal Interviews will be conducted this upcoming week and will revolve around education, job experience, and personal/family values.

In other words, you need to be almost done with college, or at least have been in it long enough to rack up some massive student loans, enough to make sure you’re desperate and we can get into you for a lot of money. And by personal/family values, we want to know whether you’d be willing to kill someone, or at the very least, sell yourself on the corner.    

• Progressive company with defined career descriptions with focus on personal development and professional growth. We are only Unionized Company in the United States that is results based and not Seniority Based. That means your age, or how long you have been with the company are second to your contributions to the success of the company. If you are a consistent over achiever that does not want to put in 10 years with a company before you move up this firm may offer a potential fit.

We’re new to this area, so we haven’t had a chance to establish an ingrained hierarchy in this town yet. If you follow directions, don’t ask questions, and aren’t a cop, you’ll move up fast. You might even get to be boss in this city someday. In other words, if you do us good, we’ll do you good.

• You must possess a strong work ethic as the training program involves two (2) weeks of 50 hours. Integrity driven individuals, with a love for people, and a passion for growth are most likely going to be the best fit for current job openings.

Your first few assignments are going to suck. It’s how we know you’re serious. Don’t be bitching about how long you have to wait in a hot car for your drop to show up, and don’t pussy out on shooting the son-of-a-bitch if he shorts us either. Don’t be skimming off the top, don’t be getting in fights, and do what you’re told.  

We would like to thank all who apply, but only qualified candidates will be selected for a first interview.

Hey, we might kill people and run drugs for a living, but our mommas raised us to be respectful, and polite.

[UPDATE] – Now that I’ve made this post, I have gone back to Craigslist and have come to the amazing realization that almost every job posting that lacks a clear company name is probably put there by the mob. Those guys really really like their Euphamisms.

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