I’ll be the first to admit I have a certain thing for vampire TV shows and movies and occasionally a vampire book (although I’m a lot pickier when it comes to literature). But that doesn’t mean it always makes sense to me. Here’s the thing I don’t understand about vampires. They live forever right? (assuming someone doesn’t stick a toothpick in them). And yet, in the TV shows and movies they are always falling in love with young humans. Now, I’m speaking from personal experience here when I say that young humans are pretty much complete idiots. I was one for about 25 years. So I get why a young person might find it appealing to date a vampire, in the same way I understand why a young person might date the lead singer in a band, or dye her purple. It seems like a good idea at the time and it’s a great way to piss off your parents. And that’s the whole point of being young right?
So I’m on board with why a young person might date a vampire. What I don’t get is why on earth a vampire would ever fall in love with a teenage human being. Anyone over the age of 25 probably understands what I’m talking about. (And if you’re under the age of 25, well just archive this post and re read it again in a few years. You’ll get it someday.)
The thing about teenagers is that by and large they are…well, insufferable. And the older we get the more insufferable they become. To demonstrate, here’s the evidence I’ve been collecting for the past 30 years on the subject:
According to my research, the general affinity towards teenagers peaks right around the age of 17 and then rapidly declines after that, evening out and staying at around “apathy” for a while. Now, I don’t have any hard data for what happens after the age of 30, but from what I’ve observed of old people, the level of feeling for teenagers declines to “wish they would all die” at around the age of 75 and stays there until the old person dies. So, given this information, I would extrapolate that vampires would probably feel even less for teenagers than older humans do, since they live for hundreds of years. After all, vampires used to be human, and they do EAT people, so it would only make sense that they’d eat the really annoying ones first to get them out of the way. Based on this assumption, here’s what I would guess should happen:
This seems pretty reasonable right? I mean, it’s based on reasonable evidence anyway. But the funny thing is, according to all the movies and TV shows I’ve seen recently, my assumptions are incorrect. Apparently the research groups at the big studios have found data that contradict my predictions. According to them, this is actually what happens:
Now, I find this rather surprising, given my own experience in this area. Granted, I’ve never actually MET a real life vampire, so I’m basing my conclusions on the assumption that vampires retain a residual human emotional responses to certain stimuli, such as aggravated annoyance. I’m also not sure to what extent the movie studio’s research has been peer reviewed for scientific rigor. I do know that my own research seems to be consistent with what my peers have found on the subject thus far. So, I’m not sure to what extent I am willing to consider this other data, if at all.
However, if this other data is in fact valid, it does raise some interesting questions about mortality, the meaning of life, and the purpose of death. If the movie studio’s research is to be trusted, it would seem to suggest that the biological purpose of death is in fact a defense mechanism against an eternity of hanging out with teenagers. And that makes me feel a little bit better about my own innevitable mortality.
Agatha82
August 2, 2010
That was a very well thought out post. My guess is that vampires are shallow people, I mean, most of them are very good looking and they seem to go for humans who look the age the actual vampire was when he/she was turned into one. Maybe they feel younger or maybe they’re all dirty old vampire men/women 🙂
shoutabyss
August 2, 2010
I’m really Vlad I found this post! 🙂
I did find the use of jargon, the level of technical detail and graphs to be slightly over my head. But, wow, it sure was a lot to sink my teeth into!
I think vampire dating habits is an excellent topic for a post (so topical!) and it was very well written. Good job!
girl normal
August 2, 2010
I was intentionally trying to make the technical jargon a little over-the-top so it sounded like a real research project, when in fact it is just my own wacky late-night musings. I thought the juxoposition between the subject matter and the presentation method was really at the heart of the humor on this one. Glad you enjoyed!
girl normal
August 3, 2010
Sink your teeth into. Oh ! Ha. I just got that. Dear lord. I’m moving slow today.
eemusings
August 2, 2010
You are a genius.
Laura Pearlman
August 3, 2010
Here’s what I don’t get about vampire/teenager romances: why aren’t audiences disgusted by them? I mean, most people would object to, say, a 50-year-old man dating a teenager, but somehow a 200-year-old dead guy dating a teenager is okay.
girl normal
August 3, 2010
Ha! Indeed! Probably because all vampires are pervs.
girl normal
August 3, 2010
Wait. My reply didn’t make any sense. I don’t know what I was going for there.
teapotchronicles
August 3, 2010
I’m pretty sure I’ve just fallen in love with you. When my life slows down for two seconds (and I’m not reading blogs and pretending to work) I will add a blogroll on my blog. And you?! You will be featured. Yes you will. You. Are. Brilliant!
girl normal
August 3, 2010
Awe. Thanks! I’ll try to get around to returning the favor, but don’t be offended if it takes a while. Cheers!
teapotchronicles
August 3, 2010
(Does that really mean “Dude. You scare me. Quit stalking me.”???) 🙂 hehe. I’m too swamped to blog right now, or change my widgets, so I shared you with all my facebook friends. That oughta tide you over for a bit 🙂
girl normal
August 4, 2010
Nah. No worries. It just meant that I have to calm down about the whole blog thing now and get on with life. So… I won’t be spending 10 hours a day hanging out at WordPress tweaking things like I was doing last week. Thanks for passing me on to your friends 😉
The Girl with the Red Suitcase
August 4, 2010
Could it be that persons under the age of 25 tend to be a lot easier on the eye and have better bodies? Hence the reason why they have better chances of attracting both other human beings AND vampires despite their insufferability? 😉
girl normal
August 4, 2010
I suppose that’s possible. But since i’m over 25, i don’t want to admit (or think about) it. 🙂
She.Is.Just.A.Rat
August 4, 2010
These graphs are brilliant! That’s really all I can say about this now…
Des
August 17, 2010
Hilarious and so true! Teenagers are awful, obnoxious human beings. I knew this all throughout my teenage years. I was the teenager that hung out with one person that hated teens as much as I did.
Why on earth a vampire would hang out with them is beyond me. Maybe because they are oblivious and easy to mold.
They are more trusting because the vampire is “cool”. I would be like no dude…you’re going to eat me. I would not trust him when he said no, I could never eat you…I love you!
Maybe the naive teen is all the vampire can get
Mamá Leche
August 18, 2010
This is intensely funny. I put it on facebook and not it’s making the rounds, catching like wildfire, or crabs, among my friends, family and frenemies!